Hey Ian Poulter

It's a golf tournament, not a douchebag competition.

Elijah Dukes =

Global Icon via Rotoworld.

A 17-year-old foster girl living with a relative of Elijah Dukes told police the Devil Rays outfielder got her pregnant.
The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy. "Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me," she told investigators. Dukes is already known to have had at least five children with four different women. This is yet another incident that could add to the Rays' desire to ship him out of town.

What I can't figure out is if that makes a better pregnancy test commercial or a better Gatorade commercial. I'm leaning towards the latter. I guess I'd expect nothing less from Gary Sheffield's new protege. He can't be controlled, especially by his own self.


Sometimes I dream...that he is me.....

Marco Scutaro Day

For me, today's shooting at Virginia Tech really drives home that I need to know way more about Don Imus and Anna Nicole Smith.


Seriously, didn't anyone tell that asshole that he can't do this on Marco Scutaro Day? Please let ESPN co-opt this into a sports story. I need to know what Steven A's views are on massacres. What a bunch of dicks.

The Hit

Just felt like posting this, so I didn't forget to later. The best, most physically dominating hit I've ever seen. You're welcome for the awesome quality.


Quentin Coryatt

Anyone been to Kenya?

This story was just emailed to me, and I've got some questions.

A Kenyan secondary school has sent home 20 boys because they were not circumcised, saying it feared they would be bullied by other students.

1. How does the school know?
   
2. How do the bullies know?
3. Since they circumcise women there too, how was this addressed?
4. Are uncircumcised chicks bullied?
   
5. Same bullies? (Are the bullies that bully the boys the same bullies that bully the girls or are bullying duties separated by sex? Can there be cross-sexual bullying?)
6. How do you explain to your parents that you got beat up because the other kids didn't like the way your cock looked?
   
7. Does everyone know that about everyone else in Kenya?
   
8. Is someone in charge of keeping track of this?
9. How often do they check?
10. Was this tracked at my school?
    
11. Are they accepting resumes?

Seriously though, I issued countless middle school beatings for all weird-dicked kids. "Hey funnycock, give me your lunch money or I'll beat the ever living shit out of you."

I've Had It

With that fucking Ali commercial on ESPN. Ali had about as much to do with the creation of rap as howler monkeys had to do with the creation of punk rock. The premise isn't even what pisses me off so much. People can argue whatever the hell they want. Stupid fucking idiotic arguments, but what do I care? It's that assholes blindly accept it as fact, because they think it sounds deep and would never say that Ali didn't have some sort of positive effect on anything. Even that isn't what pisses me off the most. It's when Bill Maher comes on the screen and says, "I am from the house of shock." Now I know it's a quote, but I think Maher believes this about himself, and isn't thinking of Ali when he says it. Contrived isn't shocking. Or funny. What is shocking is the supposed hot ass that this man pulls. I have no examples, but I hear things.

Not from the house of shock.

Also, why the fuck are they still playing the commercial anyway? Didn't the show air like 2 months ago? Assholes.

Matsuzaka has Landed!!

And he looks good.

Lincoln's Birthday

Even today, his words still ring true. Timeless quotes such as: "I wish one of you guys had children, so I could kick them in their fuckin' head or stomp on their testicles." and "My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children."


Say what you will about him, but Jim Gray has big nuts.

Sundays are for Bowling

Circle Complete

LITTLE SUPERSTAR(Click on screen to play)

Oswaldo Sanchez rapes chicklet girls

Forget about being classless bitches for refusing to shake hands every time they lose, check out this attempted cheap shot by the goalie after the goal. I can't imagine the outrage had it been the other way around. But when it comes to Mexico, people just come to expect it. And when it comes to the USA, we deserve having our legs snapped after the play is over, because we're Americans. I figured that even though their players can't read past a third grade level, they had at least matured emotionally past a third grade level. Figured wrong.



Mexicans say they're pissed because of the style we play. I say they're only pissed when they lose to that style. They'll say the ref cheated, despite the fact that their player kicked the ball directly at him from 5 yards away. Maybe if you guys weren't so busy throwing shit on the field, your players would be able to see the field better. Seriously, clean that shit up. No wonder people want to build a fence.

Post Superbowl Mourning Complete

Prince Rocked the Halftime show like only he can



A little too impressed with himself, he blacked out by the 4th Quarter

Winter XXX games

Signing Day Sinners!!

While the New York Times floats cheating accusations against Illinois with not even a hint of proof, they're missing the real controversy that has unfolded in the days leading up to national signing day. Urban Meyer, Mark Richt, and Butch Davis, known scumbags, terrible family men, and bad drunks, have been found to be stealing from priests, pilfering top prospects from Notre Dame. Using a NY Times level of scrutiny, anonymous sources(some guy on a message board) confirm these accusations against Butch Davis with the others sure to follow:

"With Butch Davis writing checks and handing out cars in Chapel Hill now--he was hired with a "anything to win and win big" command from the school--any recruit from North Carolina can count on him beating down their door, verbal commitment elsewhere or otherwise"

You can only get away with stealing from God for so long gentlemen.


Also, if any recruits from other schools should happen to change their minds at the last minute and decide to attend Notre Dame, it is God's will, not Charlie Weis cheating.

Polish Sausage, Ditka, Ditka, Sausage, Bears

As a Bears fan, I've gotta do it. I think these are more funny when you read them than when you watch them. I'll do my best to match them up.


Transcript



Transcript

Superfans(Chi vs. NY, Mini Bears)

Superfans Thanksgiving

Bob Swerski's Quiz Masters

Looks like my best is 2 vids and 5 transcripts - barely passable. Historically, barely passable is really better than most of my work.

Sidenote: It's not a coincidence that the superfans aren't colts fans. Either these people root for a team that sold them out, are young idiots, or are fair weather fans(90%). Along those lines, this morning I'm walking to the subway, wearing jeans, sweatshirt, and (superstitiously every day for the last 2 months) my Bears hat. Coming the other way down the street, a douche in long wool coat, a scarf(not that cold), and a brand new Colt's hat. Man, Colts fans are bad people.

Marketing Execs Excited for Super Bowl Ads

Monkeys are the new black. Again. First we've got this still shot from the new "Got Milk" campaign. Experts question if this will make people crave milk.



And Pepsi(with the help of a monkey), is unveiling their new slogan during the Super Bowl. Here's a still from their commercial.


Following in the footsteps of "Choice of a New Generation" and "Be Young, Have Fun, Drink Pepsi," the new slogan is..... "Pepsi: Fuck Your Pet Monkey"(uncensored for people who want to see dick).

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?


Photos from Dlisted

Drama at NFL Live

An irate Michael Irvin was spotted storming off set. Apparently, Irvin believes he's being forced to work too many nights as ESPN execs fear an Irvin relapse to his "party house" days. Irvin was seen screaming at John Clayton. Reporters were only able to make out one sentence....


Clayton had no response.


Video is a little blurry. But correct me if I'm wrong, the "talent" in the clip appears to be Tim Duncan(#13 USA). I smell scandal.

Jeff Ross at Shaq's Roast of Emmitt Smith

This isn't new, but fuck new.

Past Super Bowl Heroes

Stanley Wilson now studies his playbook in jail. This is a cautionary tale for all Colts and Bears. And an absolute nightmare scenario for fans of those teams. Though, as a Bears fan myself, I wouldn't mind being able to look back and refer to Peyton Manning as "that old coke head who fucked over his team" several years from now. Hey, a win is a win. Honestly though, I can identify much more with Stanley Wilson than someone like Peyton Manning.

Ask yourself this. Would you rather be(or are you more likely to be):

A) The nerdy sellout, kiss ass, who does everything he should and does it by the book for an overbearing parent, while romancing a cheesy country music star.

or

B) The guy who got so historically fucked up that he sickened an entire city and tainted the biggest sports and entertainment event on earth.

It's really a no brainer. I make light, but this even makes me feel bad for the people involved. What's that called - empathy? Interesting, not sure if I like it.

It was just before 8 the night before Cincinnati was to play the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIII, when the Bengals fullback walked down a hall in the team's hotel and made a U-turn back to his personal hell.

“I forgot my playbook,” Wilson told several teammates. “I'll meet you guys downstairs.”

As the Bengals gathered for their last meeting before the game, head coach Sam Wyche took a head count. Players were responsible for their roommates. Wilson's roommate was wide receiver Eddie Brown.

“Stanley went back for his playbook,” Brown said. “He'll be right down.”

“We'll wait,” Wyche said.....

The Bengals waited for Stanley Wilson.

Ten minutes.

Fifteen.

Wyche left the meeting room. He returned a few minutes later. His eyes were red and brimming wet. “Stanley has had a relapse,” he said.

Boomer Esiason remembers thinking, “Is this another of Sam's motivational stunts? With Sam, you couldn't be sure. He was always doing that stuff.”

Not this time. “Sam broke up crying so hard, he had to leave the room,” Esiason recalls.

“Come back in 10 minutes, when I can compose myself,” Wyche said.

Best Super Bowl Coverage I've Seen

Dude at Deadspin is covering all the bases .... What kind of ass does Stu "Left Eye" Scott get? Chicks dig....Sean Salisbury? And "The Playmaker" thinks with his dick. Surprised?

Questions from MEDIA DAY!!!

Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy - Did you know you are the first African Americans to coach the Super Bowl? What do you think of that? Won't it be great when we don't even notice? Are you guys friends? Do you guys think Herm Edwards sucks now? Are you guys two of the classiest guys in the NFL? Lovie, you aren't paid as well as other coaches. Is Virginia McCaskey a racist? How long have you been a black coach?

Peyton Manning - You're the best, aren't you? You study more film than anyone right? You deserve this right? We love you, do you love us? You're in a lot of commercials, do you watch more film on your commercials than anyone else? Can you win the big one? Is there anything worse in the world than being compared to Dan Marino? Why aren't you into monkeys? Do you think Rex Grossman sucks worse than your brother? Is Eli into monkeys?

Rex Grossman - You suck. We all know this. Correct? Do you consider yourself to be the worst person to ever live as all our polls are showing? In your first full season at QB, you had one less TD pass than Tom Brady. Knowing that, why is he so handsome and you're so not. You suck, stop wasting our time jerk. I hope Tank Johnson shoots you.

Brian Urlacher - You're awesome, but you don't watch more film than anyone. Do you know who watches more film than anyone? What's it like coming off the field as you watch your fucking asshole quarterback run onto the field? You've been linked to Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. How many sex tapes are you in?

Tank Johnson - Do you own any tanks? Of all the Colts, who would you like to shoot in the face the most? We hate Grossman, could you shoot him? Do you know who watches more film than anyone? Are you into monkeys?

Nervous Prince Prepares for Halftime Show

Norm MacDonald's take on the Croc Hunter

As this is a fledgling blog, I didn't want to limit myself to just sports posts on the first day. So I've decided to show how well-rounded and cultured I am with a clip of something else I enjoy....Norm MacDonald on the Daily Show.

Breaking: 2 Black Coaches to Head Super Bowl Teams

A thought on Barbaro's passing

I doubt this will be covered much in the mainstream press, though I'm sure Tim Russert is thinking it. I just feel these questions have to be asked. How many times in the last year did someone beat off Barbaro and is that the most valuable semen in the world? Was it the same person every time? Was that the entirety of their job? How did that person answer the question "so what do you do?" Do they just come right out and say it? "I beat off a horse all day and collect as much semen as possible." Can u put that on a resume? When I ask myself these questions, I picture one thing. A terrible scene from Jackass 2. You don't want to click on this...




And I guess there's no better or worse time than now to link to this site. Make sure to check out the comments.